Queer Counseling in Federal Way, WA
Queer Counseling for Chronic People-pleasers
Serving Federal Way, Seattle, Tacoma, and nearby cities
For many queer, non-binary, and LGBTQ+ folks, people-pleasing can become a finely tuned survival skill. You grew up in a world where fitting in feels mandatory, where any deviation from the norm could mean exclusion, rejection, or even danger. People-pleasing is often a learned response to social and systemic trauma, especially when being true to yourself feels risky or unsafe. From staying quiet to avoid conflict, to putting your needs last, people-pleasing can be a way of saying: “I’ll do anything to make sure I’m accepted—even if it means not being myself.”
But people-pleasing isn’t just about behavior; it can deeply impact your mental and emotional health. When you spend so much time meeting others' expectations, you can lose touch with your own identity, leading to issues like shame, self-doubt, and confusion about who you are. And for queer individuals, that means extra layers of complexity around an identity that’s already challenging society’s norms.
Healing from people-pleasing is entirely possible, and counseling with me can help you explore what’s underneath this pattern. Together, we can work through the trauma and social conditioning that led to people-pleasing, empowering you to live more freely and authentically.
How People-pleasing and Queerness Intersect
People-pleasing doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s often a response to trauma, and for queer individuals, that trauma can be both personal and systemic. This affects how you show up in the world, how you interact with others, how vulnerable (or not) you are in relationships, and how comfortable you feel in your own skin. You may find this reflected in your life by the following examples:
Social Trauma: You may have experienced, from a young age, that your authentic self was not welcome. Whether through direct homophobia, transphobia, or more subtle forms of exclusion, the message was clear: “You’re only acceptable if you fit in.” People-pleasing may have become a way to keep yourself safe in potentially hostile or unsupportive environments. As an adult you may still experience similar safety issues or you’re no longer in those environments, but that inner child part of you doesn’t know that, so you spend a lot of time appeasing others to ensure safety.
Systemic Trauma: Systemic discrimination, like institutionalized homophobia, can create a hostile landscape that makes people-pleasing feel necessary. You may have encountered legal restrictions, health care disparities, or discrimination in the workplace, forcing you to shrink your identity to avoid confrontation or harm. People-pleasing, in this context, can start to feel like the best or only option to survive and be accepted.
Family and Cultural Expectations: If you grew up in a family or culture with specific ideas about who you should be, you may struggle to accept yourself. If you’re trying to please family members who have rigid views on gender or sexuality, you might find yourself pretending to be someone you’re not just to keep the peace. This act of self-silencing can go on long after you’ve left that environment, making it hard to break out of the people-pleasing cycle or trust that others will love and care for you just as you are.
Identity Confusion: People-pleasing requires you to constantly shift to fit others' needs, which can make it difficult to feel grounded in who you are. You might find yourself unsure about your own likes, dislikes, and desires because you've spent so long shaping your identity around others' expectations.
Shame and Self-Criticism: When people-pleasing becomes a way of life, it can create a feedback loop of shame. You may feel guilty for not being authentic or disappointed in yourself for not being able to say "no." Over time, this can erode self-worth, leaving you feeling like your identity is something you need to apologize for.
Self-Doubt: People-pleasing disrupts self-trust. You’re constantly gauging your worth based on others' approval, which makes it hard to trust your instincts and decisions or feel good about the choices you make. When your identity may already be questioned by society, this lack of self-trust can amplify doubts about everything from life choices to self-expression.
People-pleasing as a queer person can be exhausting—and not just because of the effort it takes to keep up with others' expectations, but because of the mental and emotional load it takes to exist in the world. While people-pleasing might have helped you cope in the past, it’s often a self-protective pattern that no longer serves you today. With a safe, affirming space to explore these patterns, it’s possible to start replacing people-pleasing with self-advocacy, empowerment, and self-compassion. Connect with me here and let’s find you community support and start strengthening your voice.
What Therapy with Me Looks Like
I’m Katie, a licensed therapist in Federal Way, WA and I work with queer adults who struggle to embrace their identities while navigating anxiety due to the sociopolitical issues of our world. Whether you’re new to exploring your gender and sexuality, or you’ve known who are since birth, people-pleasing may be preventing you from fully embodying your identity.
Healing from people-pleasing is entirely possible, and counseling with me can help you explore what’s underneath this pattern. Together, we can work through the trauma and social conditioning that led to people-pleasing, empowering you to live more freely and authentically. Here’s how counseling can make a difference:
Explore Your Identity Safely: You’ll have a judgment-free zone to explore who you really are without the pressure to conform or make others comfortable. This process can be affirming and healing, helping you gain clarity on aspects of your gender and sexuality you may have hidden or muted in the past.
Build Self-Trust: Therapy gives you the tools to start rebuilding trust in yourself. Through various therapeutic techniques, we’ll work to reduce self-doubt and strengthen your ability to honor your needs, helping you feel more grounded and resilient in your identity.
Practice Assertiveness: In our sessions, we can work on practical skills for assertive communication so you can start advocating for your needs in relationships, work, and beyond. This might mean saying "no" more often (don’t worry—practice makes it easier!) and learning that it’s okay to prioritize yourself.
Heal the Root Wounds of Shame: Shame can linger for years, but therapy can help you understand and release it. Through compassionate, non-judgmental conversation, we can begin to unpack the shame you may feel about your identity, making room for self-acceptance and pride in who you are.
Reconnect with Joy and Community: In our work together, you’ll learn that joy and playfulness aren’t just nice bonuses; they’re essential parts of being human. Let’s find ways for you to connect to the things that bring you genuine pleasure and delight, while building new relationships and community
Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t happen overnight, but with support, patience, and the right tools, it’s absolutely possible. Consistency in attending sessions and applying tools will move you toward your goals. For this reason, I recommend we start with weekly sessions. The first couple sessions are about us getting to know each other and your background, while creating goals and steps to meet them.
Once goals area established, I will provide clear, direct tools to utilize outside of sessions to create change. My therapy style is casual and conversational while holding you accountable. I use humor and self-disclosure when appropriate and thoughtfully engage in social justice and systemic processing. I believe therapy is political and it’s important for you to understand how different systems impact your worth and existence.
You deserve a life where your identity, desires, and boundaries are honored, not just by others but, by yourself. If you’re ready to explore what’s beneath your people-pleasing and begin the journey of self-acceptance, consider booking a consultation below. You don’t have to go through this alone, and you don’t have to keep living for everyone else.