People-pleaser Recovery Counseling in Federal Way, WA
People-pleaser Recovery Counseling for Women & Queer Adults
Serving Federal Way, Seattle, Tacoma, and nearby cities
You’ve been called a people-pleaser most of your life. In some ways you see it - having difficulty setting boundaries, going along with plans outside of your comfort zone, saying “yes” to a date even though you’re not interested, feeling uncomfortable taking up space, and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions and drama. If this is your norm, you may not see how trying to please others negatively impacts your mental health. However, you do know that you spend a lot of time caretaking your loved ones and fear that they would reject or disown you if you stopped…
Fear of Not Belonging
You don’t want to be alone. You desperately want to be accepted and belong somewhere, but you’re afraid people won’t like you. So, you answer every text even if it’s inconvenient for you, you do whatever activity they want to do even if you’re uncomfortable, and you listen to their emotional drama even if you don’t have the energy for it. You know this doesn’t align with your needs but fear of rejection and loneliness keeps you stuck in this pattern. You cherish your relationships but don’t always feel like they reciprocate that sentiment. You’d like to tell your loved ones how they make you feel but fear causes you to freeze and the words get caught in your throat. You’re tired of feeling the pressure to choose between being socially accepted and honoring your needs. You don’t want to keep feeling disconnected and uncomfortable in your relationships. You’re ready to build confidence in your boundaries and find ways to communicate your needs.
Conflict Avoidant
Someone being mad or disappointed at you is so uncomfortable that you avoid it at all costs. You remember how it felt to be in trouble as a kid, and you learned to adapt by pleasing your parents. That may be playing out in your current relationships. Perhaps you engage in activities or tasks outside your comfort zone primarily to appease others. You believe that arguing leads to the end of relationships so you put your feelings and needs aside to prevent potential conflict. The idea of being honest and assertive makes you feel shame and guilt. You worry that if you were to take up space, people wouldn’t like you. Maybe you’re not sure what taking up space even means. You worry that if you set boundaries people would find you “rude” or “bitchy.” When you try to speak up for yourself, you become overwhelmed and cry, your brain goes blank, and you start to shut down. Maybe during these times you’ve been called “too sensitive,” so you stopped expressing your feelings. It’s taking too much damn energy to peace-keep. You’re ready to learn how to manage conflict and address your needs without guilt.
Caretaking Relationships
You find that you often play the role of “caretaker” in your relationships. You feel obligated to fix other peoples’ shit even if you don’t have the time or energy for it. You let people lean on you, but don’t ask them for support. This causes an imbalance in relationships and keeps you stuck in caretaking everyone. You often wonder how all of this started. Perhaps you learned to save your parents from your feelings or needs during childhood. Maybe you’ve been partnered with someone who often plays “helpless” and you take on most of the relationship responsibilities. You may even find that you save your coworkers from discomfort by taking on a larger work load or taking blame for things that aren’t your fault. Either way, you know you don’t like this role. However, you’re not sure how to show love to others while not feeling obligated to fix or save them. You’re ready to learn tools to minimize this behavior and teach your loved ones how to care for you back.
People-pleaser Counseling Federal Way, WA
How would it feel to take everyone’s needs off your to-do list?
Hi! I’m Katie a licensed therapist for people-pleasers in Federal Way and online in Washington State. I help women and queer adults recover from people-pleasing through boundary setting and confidence building. People-pleasing doesn’t actually please people. In fact it just creates barriers to have fulfilling relationships and living as a human with needs. As a recovering people-pleaser myself, I know the challenges that come with acknowledging the ways you prioritize everyone else over yourself. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I’m here to hand you a glass of water! In working together, you would see change in therapy by improving your communication, having less guilt when setting boundaries, and engaging more in joyful activity. You would also see change in how you engage in your relationships. This may entail setting boundaries with current relationships, finding new community that better fits your relationship needs, or it could mean you lose relationships that are unable to sustain without your caretaking. It can be scary to hand in your “people-pleaser” badge, but take it from me (I am a professional after all), in the long run it will serve you best. I’ve lost friends and stopped talking to relatives to protect my mental health and although it was scary making that decision in the moment, I can solidly say I have no regrets. You could feel similarly as you learn how to prioritize yourself.
In working together, you would see change in therapy by improving your communication, having less guilt when setting boundaries, and engaging more in joyful activity. You would also see change in how you engage in your relationships. This may entail setting boundaries with current relationships, finding new community that better fits your relationship needs, or it could mean you lose relationships that are unable to sustain without your caretaking. It can be scary to hand in your “people-pleaser” badge, but take it from me (I am a professional after all), in the long run it will serve you best. I’ve lost friends and stopped talking to relatives to protect my mental health and although it was scary making that decision in the moment, I can solidly say I have no regrets. You could feel similarly as you learn how to prioritize yourself.
Therapy works best when we can meet weekly, especially when learning how to implement new tools. The first couple of sessions will be us getting to know each other and creating measurable goals to set you up for success. After that, we will explore childhood relationships and why caretaking behaviors may have developed. Then we will look at your current relationships deeply and ways to create more space for you and your needs within them. We will tackle fears around rejection or social isolation and ways to increase your confidence. My approach is compassionate and casual while being direct and challenging when necessary. I utilize humor and self-disclosure when appropriate to make therapy more fun and conversational. My office is a safe space for sensitive people - please cry here! You will never be judged for having an emotional response in our therapy. What’s cool about therapy is that it’s the one place that is all about you. You don’t have to take care of anyone’s needs and I’m here to support and guide you toward your goals. Let me care for you!
Find yourself again! Relationships may come and go, but you are ready to start living life for yourself. Book a FREE 15min consultation here. Discover what support will be like with a therapist who fully believes you shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm (direct quote from Penny Reid).